Super Secret Author Confession Volume 2 (The lost files)

I wrote this SSAC for Fangs4Freaks, but there was some confusion at publication and it didn’t make it in. So, as always, my humiliation is your entertainment reading.

My Worse Kiss Ever (and no, it was not my fault)

Going away to college is a very adult thing to do. After 18 years (or 17 years in my case) of being under someone else’s care, I was totally on my own with more freedom than I’d ever had. I was living in the dorms a good 150 miles away from my family and suddenly, it was up to me to get up on time for class, do my own laundry, make it to the dining hall for meals and basically live life like an adult. But with great power comes great responsibility (two points to the readers who immediately recognized that sentence from Spiderman)

My story starts with meeting this guy (as all good stories do) who worked in the dining hall. He swiped our food cards as we “paid” for our food. He always stared at me when I sat down to eat, while I ate and watched me leave the hall. He did this every day for weeks. He was cute, very tall and he always smiled when I caught him staring. The best part of the flirting was he never looked away when I caught him. He just continued to boldly stare back. It was a thrill, I can tell you.

He finally introduces himself when I went through his food line and we made a date to meet for milkshakes in the after hours café (you remember how well meeting someone from there worked out for me in my last Super Secret Author Confessions, Volume 1, right?) Anyway, we met for milkshakes and hit it off. He was funny, charming, interesting and had excellent taste in girls. Namely me. He’d been going out with the same girl all through high school and they broke up when they went to college. He was a sophomore and I was a freshman.

I mentioned I had to study for Biology 101 and wouldn’t you know, he claimed to be a Biology major and offered to help. So I led him to my room and we started to study. We sat next to each other, leaning back on my small twin bed. My roommate was at the library. We held the same book, our heads touching as he read aloud. My heart was beating a mile a minute and I was nervous. He smelled like soap and I really wanted him to kiss me.

Then suddenly his voice trailed off as he leaned over to kiss me. I was breathless with anticipation. Here it comes. It would be so sweet and I was sure fireworks would erupt from the perfection of the moment. His soft lips touched mine and then…lap, lap, lap.
I was shocked. My knight in shining armor had just opened his lips and licked the back of my throat like a dog lapping up water from a bowl. Sadly, I am not joking. Saliva ran down the side of my mouth as I tried to pull back, but he kept coming. There was no where I could escape from the passion of this St. Bernard gone rabid.

I shoved him, non-to-gently off the bed and told him it was getting late. He agreed, though reluctantly and asked me out for the following night. Sorry, that was the night I washed my hair. He was confused and wanted to know what was wrong. He had the sweetest puppy dog eyes, but it was the puppy dog kisses I couldn’t stand.

As he stood there, I thought I should give him another chance. Maybe I was wrong about that kiss. Perhaps he was falling over and couldn’t get his balance and that was why he licked my uvula. So I leaned up to give him a kiss goodnight when the Lapper re-appeared in full force. It was just sad, really. Had his ex girlfriend taught him to kiss like this? Could this be the reason she ran away?

Alas, I pulled away again, an awkward string of spit actually connected our mouths for a moment. I told him it wasn’t meant to be. I was me, not him. So long Lapper Boy. I hope you found a lovely young woman who could teach you better or she at least suffers from dry mouth and desperately needs those sloppy, wet kisses.